Kate's story - life without children
Kate’s story - a life without childrenIt’s not so bad now; I have a very full life that involves much that would have been compromised if I’d had children. I have a husband that I’m crazy about and a career that’s moving into very interesting ground.
I have thought a lot about this over time, if children had featured in my life my situation would have been very different and not necessarily better.
Personal Background
The reason for my infertility was a combination of things but principally I used IUDs for many years & just got lazy with the last one & left it inserted too long. By the time I had it seen too I’d developed a pelvis inflammatory disease, which caused adhesions in my fallopian tubes causing them to close. The gynecologist at the time said I would likely need IVF because of the damage, but at 30 years old & not trying to have children I wasn’t bothered, but by the time I was 34 I was trying to conceive & nothing was happening. Over the next 4 years I’d had 2 unsuccessful IVF attempts & they were horrible, followed with acupuncture, herbal medicine, chiropractic treatments, psychotherapy etc.
My marriage was falling to bits, not as a result of the infertility but more because of our incompatibility. Children I though, might have held it together, but in retrospect it would have made it a living hell for all concerned.
Moving on Phase (this went on for some years)
My marriage ended, I took this as a sign to re-make myself, do things I had always wanted to do and a change of career, nursing, was the path I chose. Shortly into my freedom I met a man & we just clicked, he had a teenage daughter who lived with her Mother so that didn’t bother me. More children were not really part of my new mans life & he was not going to participate in IVF procedures with a 40 year old woman.
His daughter became pregnant, unplanned, she was only 20 and determined to go ahead with the pregnancy. I resented her deeply, she moved in with us, as her Mother was unable to cope with the situation. This girl was forever in my face and very needy. I did a weekend course in massaging & started to do massage treatments on her body. She was the first pregnant body I had touched and the more pregnant she got the more we both relaxed and enjoyed her pregnancy and later the birth of the baby who is now 7.
My education continued, I finished my degree in nursing, continued on to do my masters in nurse education but always had an affinity with midwifery that I pursued. I found myself instinctively drawn to birth center management. I found a network of like-minded women, a holistic childbirth educator, a naturopath that works with couples trying to conceive and pregnant women’s health and well-being and another lady who runs special yoga classes for pregnant women. I had found my calling
Coping Strategies
I avoided certain friends with children that made me feel uncomfortable at that time. Much to the detriment of often really great friendships – not really a recommended strategy. I found plausible answers that I could volley back at curious people like; with the hours we work, can’t find the time to do it and would laugh it off like that. Later when I married the second time, I could say that my husband has an adult child from his first marriage & doesn’t feel the need for more. As time passed I started to move in circles that didn’t have children either through desire, infertility or had grown up children that I didn’t have to know. What I discovered only fairly recently was that I became the envy of my fertile friends because I was creating a personally interesting life that was not held back because of the needs of children.
My Greatest Difficulties
My greatest difficulty was and to a degree still is accepting that one of the most basic human abilities, that of procreating has eluded me. Particularly so because I’m a high achiever, having achieved everything that I’d set my heart on doing, all I had to do was work for it. I had never worked so hard for anything before like this ‘making a baby’ business.
Constant self-analysis doesn’t help either; I would ask myself questions like why do we want children?
Is it because our egos want to see a bit of us in little Freddie?
Do we want to fit into the greater family life and that of our fertile friends?
Biological urge?
Wish to continue our family lineage & have some one to leave our worldly treasures to?
Or is it a celebration of the love my partner and I have for each other?
The ‘all care no responsibility attitude’ I had in my 20’s blows me away now. My greatest fear was that of a pregnancy but in my mind I would have opted for an abortion, as there was no way I would have gone through with a pregnancy at point in my life.
Lessons Learned Through this Experience
1. Fertility is so precious; I feel the experience of infertility should be explained to all young people. The pill, IUD’s, abortions, sexually transmitted diseases and the morning after pill all have a risk associated with future reproductive health. We are becoming more infertile in the western world, largely because of 20th century living.
2. Understanding that perhaps there are other things in this world rather than having children I’ve been sent to do.
3. You can have greater empathy with a total stranger in the same infertility boat as yourself than you can with your family and friends.
C.S. Lewis quote on a Destiny pamphlet I thought was particularly true.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, what! You too, I thought I was the only one.”
Posted by Wendy Williams on Jul 31 2006 at 5:32 PM